| Your wife is having an affair.
The first step is to take a deep breath.
The place you're at is one of the toughest to be in during a marriage. You're in pain. You are mad. You feel betrayed. All you know is something has to change.
You are correct. Something does have to change.
Either you (or you and your spouse) have to work to rebuild the trust in your relationship, or you should end the marriage now. As tough as that sounds, those are the only two real options. Some people think if they ignore the problem it will go away, but with this big of a blow to the trust in your marriage, that's just not a good long term solution. An affair is way too big of a problem to ignore or simply pretend all is well in your marriage. It will not go away on its own.
If you want to save your marriage, it is certainly possible. Many marriages have recovered from an affair. Like I said, however, it will be hard work for both of you, and it will be a painful process. The first step is likely the most difficult and painful of all.
Your husband has to remove himself/herself from the "affair environment."
If they've been cheating with a co-worker, they have to quit their job and find another. If they've been in an affair with a neighbor, it's time to put the house on the market and move. If the "other woman" (or man) is someone from church, you must change churches. If the other woman/man won't let go, you might even have to relocate to another city or state.
Does that sound extreme? Of course it is. However, this must be 100% non-negotiable.
"I'm sorry" is very important to hear. However, it will be impossible for you to rebuild trust when your spouse is in the same environment -- sharing the environment with the other person. It really doesn't how against these moves your spouse might be. If your spouse wants to save your marriage, they have to put you first. You have to be the most important thing in their life.
You.
Not your house. Not her church. Not his work. Not your kids.
It takes a great deal of backbone to give your spouse this kind of an ultimatum when all you really want is to salvage your marriage, but it really is the only way things will get better.
Your spouse will likely give you excuses. "If I leave this job, I'll be going backwards in my career." "This is our dream home." "But I've lived here all my life." "No other church will be the same as this one!"
What they're really saying is that it's much easier to simply tell you that they've stopped seeing the other person but they want to be able to restart the affair any time they want.
They've already lied to you. It's possible that the lies have gone on for years. Without a significant break, what are the chances that the lies will stop?
So if you're willing to worth through the difficult stretch after you discover they're involved with someone else, removal from the affair environment is step one.
Things will still be hard as long as your spouse is having an affair, but they will be much more manageable with help. |
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